What the WHAT?

WARNING: A recurrent theme is about to surface......yep, today was the official get-yourself-together-girl day. No more excuses. Carefree summer of beverages and chips on the boat and three kids with me full time are over. Birthday celebrations have passed. School is in full swing. There just isn't another excuse I can come up with. So, today I did it (again). I stepped on the dreaded device which sits taunting me on the floor of our bathroom. I knew the news wouldn't be good, but I honestly didn't know how bad it would be. I was surprised when the number finally settled in it's place. I stepped off and on again. You know those digital scales. They are fickle and rarely give a consistent reading. The number flashing before my eyes MUST be a mistake. Tentatively I approached the scale again. Same reading. And again. Same thing.

The truth is, I am back at a number I saw almost two years ago and swore I would never reach again. When I saw that number back then I couldn't believe it and vowed I would make changes. Granted, I had extra incentive. I was undergoing a significant amount of dental work and I was motivated to have the full extreme makeover. I don't have that same boost of motivation this time. However, if I stop to think about how I felt as I was going through that last transformation, I should be energized to do it again. I recall vividly the feeling of people commenting and noticing I was slowly getting my body in shape. I wore clothes I couldn't before. Shopping has never been a fun pastime for me, but I almost got to the point back then that I enjoyed it. I donated most of my old clothing. It was just last summer that I bought a new assembly of Athleta bathing suits and I wore them proudly.

My high school reunion -
 smaller than I was in high school, I think.

I have no idea what has happened in the time since then. Slowly, life has gotten in the way. I have found more and more time for other things, and less and less for the things that are sometimes hard. I won't blame this on anyone but myself, but I think you also can be affected by the life and stress of those around you. If your partner is not able to make exercise a priority, then it is easy to just do the same and buy into the stress. The things you liked to do together are now yours and yours alone. I could go on and on with excuses.
The truth is, I have let myself go. I have been enjoying too much food and not enough exercise. It is basic math. Calories in, calories out. I know all of it. I know what I need to do to fix it. I have lost two parents due to the slippery slope they let themselves travel down. For my kids, for my husband, for my brothers, for myself - I can't allow myself to keep inching down the same path.





I did not realize until now
how small I was then.

 MOMENT OF TRUTH: I have let myself gain back almost the entire 25 pounds I lost just two years ago. Without even really recognizing it, I have bit by bit become lazy. People still tell me I look good. My body type kind of does hide a lot, but come on....really? No one can tell the difference? Why have I chosen to listen to those comments and take them as truth? I know the reality of how I feel and that can really be the only measure of health in this world. As I look in my closet at a sea of clothes I can't fit into, the same clothes I confidently looked forward to wearing just one summer ago, I know. As I sit here procrastinating to get my exercise clothes on and go, I know. I know exercise is a habit you form and a habit you can quickly break. I broke it. I don't know when exactly it happened. I was able to pull off a half marathon three short months ago...but even then I knew. I hadn't trained properly. I wasn't ready. I felt great for finishing but it was more a sense of surviving than a sense of achieving. I know. You just know.

SO, today is the day. Today is the day I re-commit myself to this on-going struggle of health/weight control. It is unfortunately a struggle I inherited. I got a lot of great things from my parents...this wasn't one of them. But I am 40 years old. I have a choice to make. I can continue to slip down the slope or I can stop it right here, right now. I am going to imagine myself back at the point, 25 pounds ago. I am going to remember that feeling. I am going to strive for it. I can get there again. I will get there again. Mark my words.


My first road race - Stowe 8 Miler!









A Turning Point

I did the unthinkable today. I shared my blog address out loud in an interview. As soon as the words began spewing from my mouth, I knew it was too late to reel them back in. It was a difficult moment for me. While I was saying I enjoyed "blogging", I was reluctant to tell anyone where to find my words. The irony of that was not lost on me. When I left the interview, it prompted me to think about this blog, which has been sitting here idle since mid-July.

Over time, my blog has been an on-line journal of sorts. What started out as a suggestion from a friend who enjoyed my verbose, entertaining e-mails about my children, became a hobby and a place to capture memories and some of my more personal moments. Today I questioned my blog. Why haven't I been writing recently? It is an on-line journal, but is it for me solely or for others to see? These are tough questions to answer and too late to answer them once it is out there in the public awareness.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I came directly home and sat down to review my blog. What is a potential employer going to learn about me if and when they read my posts? A blog is a mere snapshot into your life. There is no way one can get a full understanding of who you are by looking at a few blog posts, right? Wrong. Interestingly enough, as I look back at a quick selection of my posts, a few things become readily apparent. First, I love being a mom. Period. It is who I have become. Second, I have experienced an internal struggle about what to do next at this turning point in my life. I think these two facts are spoken loudly in my posts.

Last year, when all three kids were recently in school full days for the first time, the blog illustrates a celebratory moment. I dubbed it the "Year of Rhonda" and there is evidence of the fun I had. Throughout, however, there is mention of my on-going personal debate. To work or not to work, how much to work and doing what....hard questions to be faced with. As the 10 year mark of being a stay-at-home-mom commences, and as year two of the school-aged years begins, I have this incredible sense that a turning point has come.

The past two days have been different for me. I have gotten dressed "up". I had places to be. These places were ones where adults of all ages with all varieties of family life, marital status, business interests and backgrounds came together. They came together to discuss real world issues. They came together to talk about how to move projects forward. Great, big, cool projects! They talked about the future vision of their company. They talked some strategy - with me! I was part of the discussion again. People listened. I remembered I was good. I used to really make things happen in a professional setting and I can do it again. I can't express how that makes me feel. It is a renewed sense of energy. It is a value I haven't felt beyond motherhood for a very long time. A turning point has come where I am clear that I am missing that. I want to be part of it again. Is it crazy? Can I handle being part of that world and still hold on to my "mom" hat? I really believe I can. I can say one thing for sure. The time has come and I look forward to what the next chapter in my life is going to bring.

That's My Girl!

I have so many posts brewing in my mind related to all the summer fun we have had...and some of the more challenging moments of summer. But, alas, it never seems like I sit down long enough to actually compose them here. I will get to it for sure. I have been camera crazy so I can go back and recapture the moments - really, I can!

While I have two seconds today I just had to come here and record a conversation that just took place...have I mentioned how much I love how comfortable my daughter is with who she is? She is doing mountain bike camp this summer. We had a hard time deciding, but in the end it made the most sense for Sophie to join the co-ed camp rather than do a separate week from Zach in an all girls. I was hopeful there would be at least a couple others girls who decided the same thing but we discovered on the first day it is her and only her. When I asked her about this she responded, "no problem. I will show the boys how it is done." Cocky, perhaps, but I will take that kind of confidence at this age, even where it may not exactly be validated by her biking experience to date (she has little to no off-road mountain bike experience). So, today she came home and told me one of the boys in her group asked her how it felt to be the only girl. Inside I was immediately on the defensive for her. I was imagining all the things I would have said in that moment if I were in that exact position...and all the things I'd like to say as a Mama Bear.

"And how did you respond?" I cautiously inquired.

Without skipping a beat, "I didn't hesitate for a second, Mom. I told him I loved it. Then I asked him how he liked having the only green bike in the group. Good one, huh, Mom? Do you get it? Having the only green bike is just like being the only girl, isn't it? It's a difference, but we all have them and why does it matter any way?"

"Nice, Soph. What did he say?" I asked.

"Nothing. I think he was surprised. It was great!" Sophie reported with a huge grin.

Love her! She is unique, quirky, quick...definitely an individual through and through.