I have been waiting, or perhaps needing, to write this post for awhile now. Every day I think if I could just write about my problem perhaps the answer will come to me from some place deep within. To date, it hasn't happened any other way. You see, this year - the first as a stay-at-home-mom with school-aged kids - was supposed to be the Year of Rhonda. I gave it hype. I had plans. I publicly announced that I was going to live large this year. I was going to live a little for me and treat myself right. Any person who has stayed at home with three young children close in age for nine years, has dreamt repeatedly during that time about the day when they will all be in school. As much as I have LOVED my job as a SAHM - and I have - there have been days amidst the triage of our life when I longed to have some freedom.
I dreamt of going to a long, relaxing hair appointment without having a young boy pumping the salon chairs up and down violently. I wished to go to the grocery store with an actual plan in place and careful thought involved. I thought perhaps I would enjoy a trip to the gym with no time constraint or guilt of leaving my children in the sea of germs they call a daycare. I wanted to climb mountains - literally - without kids whining or the need to stop and dole out snacks and mosquito repellent at every increasing incline. I would catch up with friends. Basically, I would do all the same things I have done only this time with greater ease. Everything would just be easier. Not better necessarily, but easier. Or, so I thought.
Now, exactly 3 months into the Year of Rhonda, I realize I need to make some choices. So far it hasn't been all it's cracked up to be. In the beginning, I just plain missed the kids. All that time I spent wishing for the day to come and when it finally came I sat eating lunch alone in a quiet house....much too quiet...shedding a tear and looking at the clock longing for 3 o'clock to finally come! True story. Then I decided to embrace it. Over the past months I have had great times. I have hiked mountains, walked in the woods and shared my love of the outdoors with friends. Although I strangely wished I could share my trips with the kids, I have really loved those adventures. I have enjoyed more chat time with my stay-at-home-mom friends - and more coffee - than any woman could hope for. I am so blessed with bunches of great friends in my life! I have gotten my hair cut and enjoyed pampering myself. Interestingly enough, the grocery store thing hasn't happened....but that's beside the point. I have done stuff for ME without a doubt.
This is where the problem comes in. In the beginning when I was feeling at loose ends everyone said, "don't worry. It takes a while to adjust". Around month 2 I realized I was pretty adjusted and I was filling my time. Just like people who have gone before me said, the day does fly by. You know, with the coffee hour and the trip to the gym and laundry, shopping and all. However, I realized days can feel busy without necessarily feeling "productive". I am not lazy and I guess I am realizing I am a little more driven than I once thought. I don't sit idle well. I began feeling a bit guilty. This time my guilt resulted from the fact I was out enjoying life to the fullest, taking care of me (and our family), racking up expenses for lunches out and frankly living a rather blessed life. Meanwhile, my husband was at work coming home each day stressed from his responsibilities. To his credit, he supports the Year of Rhonda, but I see how hard he works. It is hard to miss.
That's when the question began popping up in my head. Is this what I went to business school for? Is this what I am striving to become? I am a queen of peanut butter and jelly, but come on? Honestly, I am capable of more. What lessons am I teaching my daughter about her chance to strive for what she wants professionally? What am I teaching my sons about traditional gender roles. These are questions I am sure every stay-at-home-mom asks herself at some point. I never really have. I approached my time home with the kids as a job. I am proud to say, and I say it with loud confidence, I think I am a good mom. Being a present mom will always be my greatest accomplishment in life. I have gotten involved in my kids lives and truly have been there for all of it. I, almost literally, have not missed a thing. No one will EVER take that away from me and I am so fortunate that's the choice we were able to make for our family. I was able to feel "professional" at times and use my skill set by choosing preschools for my kids that I realize now were as much for me as they were for my kids. I learned a lot in preschool, and that was like a second job to me.
So, now at month 3, the Year of Rhonda one-third gone by, I am wondering what to do with myself. I know for certain I do not want to work full time. I am still committed to being there when my kids walk out the door in the morning and being there at the end of the day when they need to talk the most. I get it. As kids get older, they need us more than ever. I am not going to abandon the job I started...at least not quite yet. They are still young and they still have happy faces and hugs to give me at the end of each day. But, I've been out there. I've started to interview. I've started to explore what my options are. Ideally, I would like a job where I work my own hours from home and make plenty of money to reward me well for my efforts. Those jobs are harder to find than you might imagine. Plan B would be 15-20 hours a week, something to make me feel like I have re-entered the working world but still allow for me to be present at home. This seems promising when you hear it, but not surprisingly these jobs are often missing the "make plenty of money to reward me for my efforts" part of the equation. Then, you start to wonder what it's worth.
In the end, there is something to be said for order in your life, not having to worry about juggling snow days, sick kids, summer vacations. So, when viewed from this perspective, I am right back where I started......at home enjoying the Year of Rhonda.
A part of me wishes I could commit to that concept entirely, feel no guilt in it, thank my husband every day and just embrace the upcoming 40th year of my life. My parents left this world long before they were ready and I learned then that you need to treat each day as if it's your last. So, in the end what do I want to spend my days doing....am I pursuing employment opportunities or getting re-invested in the Year of Rhonda?
Damn. How long do I have to keep writing before an answer comes already? Wasn't the answer supposed to come from deep within just by writing here? Eight solid paragraphs later, still nothing. Stay tuned...and if you are reading this and have thoughts on the matter, please feel free to weigh in!